Wow...God is truly awesome! He moved me to help someone without my knowing it until I was in the middle of doing so. Only God has that kind of power. He saw that someone needed help and I am humbled that He thought I could be the one to provide that help. Through the Holy Spirit, I was able to find the right words and to give a little comfort to a friend in need. How amazing is that?
I am thankful for my faith more and more each day. Without it, I would be lost. Without it, I would never be able to find the joys of this life that are ever present and often, in the most obscure places. Yes, He is with me each day. It is for me to realize that He's never left my side...not once...not during my darkest hour nor my highest joy.
Here is a link to my other blog where I discuss this amazing moment in a little more detail: http://rachelsvineyardhealing.blogspot.com/2010/01/being-able-to-help.html
I am still in such awe of how perfectly He is always able to put me in exactly the right place in exactly the right time. I know that I shouldn't be surprised by it, which I'm not...just in complete awe of His power and greatness. To serve Him is such a humbling thing and I am thankful that He chose to call me to Him.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Conversations
So, talking with friends is always an interesting activity. You never know what will come up and in what direction things will be taken. An evening begins simple enough...go to the gym...hey, let's have dinner after...etc. The two of you are cracking jokes and talking about various things and then, after the evening is over you are left to think about the night.
I find that I learn a lot from my friends. Not only about them and their lives before we knew one another and since, but also about myself. I shouldn't be surprised by this any longer since I am a contemplative person and never can leave a conversation as just that...a conversation. No, I have some insane and deep-seeded desire to go over the conversation once again and think on things further. Even the things that may have seemed insignificant at the time.
My friend and I spoke about so many things. Some were just random, laughable topics that had no purpose other than to crack ourselves up, of course. Others were a real insight into the people we once were...the people who led us here, right to our places at this point in our lives. Ah yes, that's the most interesting stuff of all. Who you were when you felt the rules didn't really apply to you...not quite. Right?
It struck me tonight that my friend and I have a lot more in common than I realized. I knew she and I had very similar personalities and that we love to give each other the worst time. But of course! But, I didn't know some of things she went through with moving, friends and other things. It was such an amazing thing to listen to her speak on those past times. In some places, it was almost as if I were listening to myself. Crazy...I thought there was only one of me! Uh-oh, this may not be the best news for some out there...two of me? Oh dear!
Seriously, it was a great moment. She and I alone. Having a simple dinner and chatting the time away without any effort whatsoever. It was a brilliant exchange of stories and I let her in on some of my almost forgotten past. I think she was also a bit surprised by my "previous life" since I work so hard at living by the rules and walking the line, so-to-speak, nowadays.
At home, thinking on things, I realized that God was at work without us knowing it...yet again. He was there while we laughed and talked to one another. Not as rivals, not with any eye-rolling or "get me outta here" thoughts that girls sometimes think to themselves (yes, we women can be quite catty at times). No, we were two friends who trusted each other. We were at total ease with each other. Comfortable...two women who, in the past, rarely had female friends were sitting across from one other enjoying every moment of conversation.
Another thing that struck me, later, was the wonderful joy of being Catholic. Yes, I realize you already know how I feel about Catholicism, but this was another fantastic moment for me. In discussing my sordid past, I was able to share something imperfect about myself...something very human. I did this without regret, although, I do acknowledge that the way I lived my life at that time was far, far away from good or just or anywhere near right. No, what was wonderful was the fact that I could share it so openly and without chastising myself or fear of being judged. Also, that my friend could share her own human failings without being judged, as well.
Before I became Catholic, it was difficult for me to work to help others through their struggles with sin. Especially, if I was at a point where I was focusing on trying to "walk the line" for myself. At times, it seemed to be about passing judgment onto others for making mistakes...regardless of the fact that it is human to err - not to mention that I, myself, was no angel either. Compassion for others was there, but it had limitations. I was unfair and selfish.
Being Catholic has brought me to a more complete understanding. No, don't get me wrong. I don't rejoice in my sinful past nor do I promote it as, "Well heck, you are human. It's ok to do that." No, that's not what I'm saying. My point is that because I have accepted and dealt with those mistakes through my faith, I don't have to cringe at the mention of them. I no longer carry that burden with me ever place I go. I can talk about it with a friend to share something that we may have in common...something that might help a friend feel more comfortable talking with me about their own frailty. Something we ALL struggle with daily. It's a way to put our past sins to good use...a way to help others identify with each other so that they don't feel alone and ostracized from everyone because they think no one could ever understand them. Catholicism reminds me that we are ALL deserving of God's mercy. Certainly, justice will come, but it's not for me to pass on that justice. My role is to extend mercy and help to others as I am able...how else can I expect God or others to do the same for me?
Often times, due to the way in which I now live, I find it difficult for some to realize that I can and do understand shortcomings. In fact, it is as a direct result of living so poorly before and due to my FULL awareness of my own stumbling blocks that I live so strictly in many cases, now. Unfortunately, that sometimes means people get the impression that I won't "get them" or will be looking down my nose at them. That's not it at all. Of course, I will always strive to help someone make the right decisions and choose the right path...absolutely. However, should they fall, I'm also going to be there to help dust them off and help get them back on track.
Humiliating them or "burying their nose in it" won't help matters and it's not the way Catholics "roll." Something that I love about our faith. Certainly, we acknowledge the wrong of what was done, but we also accept human failings and try to help that person overcome their weaknesses by extending a hand of forgiveness and help. Judgment is for God.
Just a few more thoughts from a great evening spent with a good friend. God works on us all the time...we just have to be ready to recognize it, even when it's in the smallest of ways.
I find that I learn a lot from my friends. Not only about them and their lives before we knew one another and since, but also about myself. I shouldn't be surprised by this any longer since I am a contemplative person and never can leave a conversation as just that...a conversation. No, I have some insane and deep-seeded desire to go over the conversation once again and think on things further. Even the things that may have seemed insignificant at the time.
My friend and I spoke about so many things. Some were just random, laughable topics that had no purpose other than to crack ourselves up, of course. Others were a real insight into the people we once were...the people who led us here, right to our places at this point in our lives. Ah yes, that's the most interesting stuff of all. Who you were when you felt the rules didn't really apply to you...not quite. Right?
It struck me tonight that my friend and I have a lot more in common than I realized. I knew she and I had very similar personalities and that we love to give each other the worst time. But of course! But, I didn't know some of things she went through with moving, friends and other things. It was such an amazing thing to listen to her speak on those past times. In some places, it was almost as if I were listening to myself. Crazy...I thought there was only one of me! Uh-oh, this may not be the best news for some out there...two of me? Oh dear!
Seriously, it was a great moment. She and I alone. Having a simple dinner and chatting the time away without any effort whatsoever. It was a brilliant exchange of stories and I let her in on some of my almost forgotten past. I think she was also a bit surprised by my "previous life" since I work so hard at living by the rules and walking the line, so-to-speak, nowadays.
At home, thinking on things, I realized that God was at work without us knowing it...yet again. He was there while we laughed and talked to one another. Not as rivals, not with any eye-rolling or "get me outta here" thoughts that girls sometimes think to themselves (yes, we women can be quite catty at times). No, we were two friends who trusted each other. We were at total ease with each other. Comfortable...two women who, in the past, rarely had female friends were sitting across from one other enjoying every moment of conversation.
Another thing that struck me, later, was the wonderful joy of being Catholic. Yes, I realize you already know how I feel about Catholicism, but this was another fantastic moment for me. In discussing my sordid past, I was able to share something imperfect about myself...something very human. I did this without regret, although, I do acknowledge that the way I lived my life at that time was far, far away from good or just or anywhere near right. No, what was wonderful was the fact that I could share it so openly and without chastising myself or fear of being judged. Also, that my friend could share her own human failings without being judged, as well.
Before I became Catholic, it was difficult for me to work to help others through their struggles with sin. Especially, if I was at a point where I was focusing on trying to "walk the line" for myself. At times, it seemed to be about passing judgment onto others for making mistakes...regardless of the fact that it is human to err - not to mention that I, myself, was no angel either. Compassion for others was there, but it had limitations. I was unfair and selfish.
Being Catholic has brought me to a more complete understanding. No, don't get me wrong. I don't rejoice in my sinful past nor do I promote it as, "Well heck, you are human. It's ok to do that." No, that's not what I'm saying. My point is that because I have accepted and dealt with those mistakes through my faith, I don't have to cringe at the mention of them. I no longer carry that burden with me ever place I go. I can talk about it with a friend to share something that we may have in common...something that might help a friend feel more comfortable talking with me about their own frailty. Something we ALL struggle with daily. It's a way to put our past sins to good use...a way to help others identify with each other so that they don't feel alone and ostracized from everyone because they think no one could ever understand them. Catholicism reminds me that we are ALL deserving of God's mercy. Certainly, justice will come, but it's not for me to pass on that justice. My role is to extend mercy and help to others as I am able...how else can I expect God or others to do the same for me?
Often times, due to the way in which I now live, I find it difficult for some to realize that I can and do understand shortcomings. In fact, it is as a direct result of living so poorly before and due to my FULL awareness of my own stumbling blocks that I live so strictly in many cases, now. Unfortunately, that sometimes means people get the impression that I won't "get them" or will be looking down my nose at them. That's not it at all. Of course, I will always strive to help someone make the right decisions and choose the right path...absolutely. However, should they fall, I'm also going to be there to help dust them off and help get them back on track.
Humiliating them or "burying their nose in it" won't help matters and it's not the way Catholics "roll." Something that I love about our faith. Certainly, we acknowledge the wrong of what was done, but we also accept human failings and try to help that person overcome their weaknesses by extending a hand of forgiveness and help. Judgment is for God.
Just a few more thoughts from a great evening spent with a good friend. God works on us all the time...we just have to be ready to recognize it, even when it's in the smallest of ways.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
A New Year...New Thoughts...
So, it's been a while since I last wrote anything. Blogging is an interesting world. Given the time, you can speak about a lot of things. However, when wrapped up in the world around us, you find that blogging about something...even if it interests you greatly...just seems exhausting!
Now that I'm out of work and have been, well, I find that I have time for many things. It's an interesting feeling not having to get up at any particular time for any particular reason. Not having had children, I only get up to feed the dogs and then, it's back to bed if I so choose. After having worked for the past 17 years, it's a nice break, I have to tell you.
In due time, I will work again. The job market is tough out there. I've applied for positions on a weekly basis since losing my job. But, as we all know, the economy is not so good right now. It's certainly not that we can afford for me to be drawing only a simple unemployment check, that's for certain! However, I have found that my faith has carried me through all this with a great deal of Grace. Grace that can only come from our Lord God. My husband has also been handed a large amount of Grace for he has been the model of how to be a supportive spouse.
He knows that I look and apply for jobs. He knows that it's tough. He also knows that we are struggling, financially, and that things are harder now than ever before. Yet, he has supported me through it all with love and kindness. We speak about the role that God plays in our daily lives and that we know that His plan for us will be revealed, eventually. It's not that we don't give into worry on some days, however, we are able to get through those days with our faith and each other. This is something that only God could do for "going it alone" would have ended poorly for us by now otherwise.
My Catholic faith has been of particular comfort to me. I cannot express how much I gain from weekly Mass as well as the occasional daily Mass. It's such a source of strength for me. There are aspects that are uniquely Catholic that have been a great help, as well, such as the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It's more than a time to confess my sins against God and to find absolution for them, it's an intimate time to think beyond myself. A way for me to talk through my struggles and receive the tender love and Grace that God offers to each of us. In addition to my prayer life, I have found reconciliation to be a most cleansing and regrouping experience. It also forces me to deal with things on an external level rather than keeping it all inward.
Something that I never received as a Protestant was a sense of relief from my burdens. Yes, I confessed to God, privately, my sins. I apologized for them with great remorse. However, I never felt that cleansing from those sins. It was as if they were still there. Additionally, for many sins, it was much easier to repeat the offenses because I never had to "say them aloud" to anyone else. Knowing that, it was easier to justify things to myself. Not to mention that I seemed to carry those sins with me even after having decided to not commit them, again. Reconciliation is indescribable to someone who has not experienced it before. It literally feels that you've had a great weight lifted off of your shoulders afterward. I also find that it holds me twice as accountable for ALL my actions because the Catholic Church is quite clear about sins whether they are mortal or venial. It's something that allows you to become much more aware of all that you do. You cannot simply get away with justifying something to yourself.
Now, there are those who abuse this gift. Some look at it as a "get out of jail free card" and for them, I feel pity. They've lost the entire meaning of reconciliation and they will suffer those consequences when they face our Lord one day. Asking for forgiveness must be done with complete reverence and remorse. If your heart is only in it to make YOU feel better at the end of the day, but decide that you should not be held accountable further or that you can continue to do it over-and-over again without fail, well, you'll be quite surprised on Judgment Day. God knows our hearts better than we know them ourselves and if we come before Him in a dishonest manner, then He WILL know that. You've gotten away with nothing.
I do not allow those who abuse our faith to affect how I view the faith. People are filled with flaws and if I allow "Man" to determine my faith level and the strength of it, then I will also be disappointed and left feeling shorted at the end of the day. That is why I although I abhor any misconduct that leaders in the Church or lay people of the church commit, but it does not affect my commitment to our Catholic faith. When people sin, it is not because God or any particular Catholic teaching told them to do it...they sinned because they gave into a dark temptation that they chose no longer to resist. I try to remember to pray for those people as well as the people they harm, but I keep it separate from my own faith. My faith must always and ultimately be tied to God and His teachings, not the mistakes of Man.
Last year, a close friend of mine and my husband's committed an offense that is beyond belief and beyond anything that is comprehensible. He harmed a child. Although he was not a Church leader, he was someone that was very involved in many Church programs and someone that others looked up to. Not everyone knows of his offense, but I can tell you that my heart broke upon hearing it. I would love to have said that it was a mistake, misunderstanding or false accusation. Unfortunately, it is all too true and I had to come to grips with that. It was a difficult time for us and as hard as we took it, we could only imagine the pain inflicted upon the family. You see, his offense was committed against his own granddaughter. The pain that they have all experienced and the lives ruined as a result are beyond imagination.
This was a true test to our faith...to my faith. Not in my belief in God for I do not blame God for the actions of men. We have free will and sadly, many people make the wrong choices as a result. I know in my heart that God is torn when something of this nature occurs to one of us. Like any father, He wants to protect us from evil but to keep all evil from us, He would have to take away our free will. I don't blame Him for this anymore than I blame Him for some of the things I had to deal with in my own life. Some of them quite painful indeed.
No, the test came with what God calls us to do. It was a test of my ability to follow God's Will and not my own. It was a test of whether or not I could truly find a way to forgive this person for what he had done to a child. Wow. That was beyond difficult and not something I was able to do immediately. In fact, I had doubts about whether or not I could do it at all. I was so filled with hurt and anger. I was in pain for the child and all the lives that have been shattered by what one person did. It was the first time in my adult life that I came face-to-face with what I consider one of the most disgusting things a person can do...harm a child. A monster from within that had disguised himself as a true Christian. Someone who had helped me, among others, to grow in their faith.
I felt so lost and so confused as to how I couldn't see what he was on the inside. Why couldn't I see it? Some of our friends had always felt he was a bit "creepy" so-to-speak and I had always defended him. I had always tried to be the peace maker. I had always been supportive and told myself they just didn't get him. Ugh. Looks like it was ME that didn't get him. I felt so stupid and naive. It was something that I struggled with for a long time.
With all of that going on, I didn't know I could forgive him. I wasn't sure I had it in me. After some time, the immediate hurt, pain and anger dissolved and I took solace in prayer and support of other friends. We, of course, told our friends who also knew him right away. Especially since they had children of their own. They agreed that was the right decision. We all grieved in our own way and helped each other through the shock of it all. It's been a long road.
God, as we know, is amazing. He does so much in our lives, often without our even knowing it. He asks that we are faithful and stay the course, even when it seems most difficult. So, I trusted in Him and continued to have faith in Him. I prayed for all ... even for that man. I refused to give into hatred, although it was tempting. Honestly, in the beginning, I wanted to use his face as a punching bag. That's just me being truthful. Luckily, my faith protected not only him, but me from doing such a thing. It wouldn't have helped anything and would have taken away from my relationship with God.
One day, out of the blue, his wife sent me an email. She missed us...missed our friendship. Wow...that was a shock! She has chosen to support her husband and live in denial. Now, supporting your husband and standing by someone who is obviously ill is admirable. The problem I and others have is that she is doing so at the expense of her own granddaughter and family. She's not saying, "Hey, he is sick and I am standing by him so he can get help, but I love you guys and would never expect you to be able to be around him for obvious reasons." No, she's decided that they need to be more understanding of HIM. WHAT??? It's a long story, but suffice it to say that she's living in a bubble, which I assume is a defense mechanism for having to live through this type of horror.
Anyway, I wrote back to her, carefully. I prayed and asked God and the Holy Spirit to guide me. I needed them more than ever before right now. I told her that I did miss her, too. I love her and hate all she has gone through...what her family has had to endure. I also told her that I could forgive him and did...wow...I really did. BUT, that along with God's mercy also comes justice and that he must face justice for what he did, as well. Forgiveness doesn't come blindly and there's no "get out of jail free card" simply because you say, "I'm sorry." There was a back-and-forth exchange and he even emailed me directly. In his email, he basically admitted to what he had done and asked for my forgiveness. Wow again. And, I was able to grant it to him, as well, directly. I told him the same thing...with mercy also comes justice. And that I hoped he would not put this poor girl through anymore trauma but allow her to start to heal from this, which will take so much time.
That was the end of it. Without giving too many specifics, we ended the email exchange with his understanding what he had to do. At least, in email form. He's been going back-and-forth with the DA because he doesn't want to do jail time. It's only prolonged the agony for all involved and I am sorely disappointed, although, not surprised by his actions.
The amazing part of all this, however, was that I could forgive him. Until that moment, until I wrote those words, I didn't know if I really had. That is how unbelievably good God is at what HE does! He had been working on my soul this entire time even though I didn't actively know it. He allowed me to be freed from this terrible thing by helping me to extend the Grace of forgiveness. You see, forgiveness goes both ways...it's a way to extend healing and hope to someone else while also releasing you from carrying it with you. The entire time I had remained faithful to Him, attended Mass, kept my faith, prayed and prayed...all that time I was doing the work for others, He was doing the work for me and my soul. Isn't that truly wonderful?
I ask you, now...without my faith...without God in my life...without my Catholic experience...could I have been able to extend such a Grace to a man that is filled with a monstrous disease that will never leave him? I don't think so.
All-in-all, 2009 was a year of many ups and lots of downs. It was a year of growth and finding out that my faith is stronger than I could have ever imagined. I'm not saying that being a non-Catholic Christian wouldn't allow to go through all this with God's Grace. What I am saying is that for me, having been a Catholic is exactly why I WAS able to receive God's Grace in such a full and complete way. Only since I have been Catholic have I personally found peace in the midst of struggles whether they be external or internal. It's a combination of all that Catholicism teaches us, accountability it provides and the joy of weekly Mass and receiving the True Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. All of these things are Catholic and all of them helped me to become the person I am today. A person who doesn't hold onto hate or anger. A person that believes in the promise of God and that we are all in need of His Grace and Mercy.
Before I was Catholic, I never felt like I really "got it." Since becoming Catholic, it's not so much that I "get it" completely, but rather, it's that I now know it's ok to "not get it" all the time as long as I continue to remain faithful and stay true to Him in dark and light times, regardless. Sadly, before I was Catholic, I never really understood that part. I always grabbed onto the wrong parts of Christianity because what I was taught was incomplete. Catholicism has been able to provide me with the ENTIRE and COMPLETE picture of faith and what God really wants from us on a daily basis. Having God so centered in my life has been the constant that I was missing for so many years. And now, I cannot imagine being without it...without my faith, I would be lost. Without my faith...I would have no hope. The phrase "give it up to God" has so much more meaning to me now than ever before and it truly, truly works. Just as long as we sincerely do just that and allow Him to work in our lives. If we would get out of our own way, imagine what could be accomplished!
Now that I'm out of work and have been, well, I find that I have time for many things. It's an interesting feeling not having to get up at any particular time for any particular reason. Not having had children, I only get up to feed the dogs and then, it's back to bed if I so choose. After having worked for the past 17 years, it's a nice break, I have to tell you.
In due time, I will work again. The job market is tough out there. I've applied for positions on a weekly basis since losing my job. But, as we all know, the economy is not so good right now. It's certainly not that we can afford for me to be drawing only a simple unemployment check, that's for certain! However, I have found that my faith has carried me through all this with a great deal of Grace. Grace that can only come from our Lord God. My husband has also been handed a large amount of Grace for he has been the model of how to be a supportive spouse.
He knows that I look and apply for jobs. He knows that it's tough. He also knows that we are struggling, financially, and that things are harder now than ever before. Yet, he has supported me through it all with love and kindness. We speak about the role that God plays in our daily lives and that we know that His plan for us will be revealed, eventually. It's not that we don't give into worry on some days, however, we are able to get through those days with our faith and each other. This is something that only God could do for "going it alone" would have ended poorly for us by now otherwise.
My Catholic faith has been of particular comfort to me. I cannot express how much I gain from weekly Mass as well as the occasional daily Mass. It's such a source of strength for me. There are aspects that are uniquely Catholic that have been a great help, as well, such as the Sacrament of Reconciliation. It's more than a time to confess my sins against God and to find absolution for them, it's an intimate time to think beyond myself. A way for me to talk through my struggles and receive the tender love and Grace that God offers to each of us. In addition to my prayer life, I have found reconciliation to be a most cleansing and regrouping experience. It also forces me to deal with things on an external level rather than keeping it all inward.
Something that I never received as a Protestant was a sense of relief from my burdens. Yes, I confessed to God, privately, my sins. I apologized for them with great remorse. However, I never felt that cleansing from those sins. It was as if they were still there. Additionally, for many sins, it was much easier to repeat the offenses because I never had to "say them aloud" to anyone else. Knowing that, it was easier to justify things to myself. Not to mention that I seemed to carry those sins with me even after having decided to not commit them, again. Reconciliation is indescribable to someone who has not experienced it before. It literally feels that you've had a great weight lifted off of your shoulders afterward. I also find that it holds me twice as accountable for ALL my actions because the Catholic Church is quite clear about sins whether they are mortal or venial. It's something that allows you to become much more aware of all that you do. You cannot simply get away with justifying something to yourself.
Now, there are those who abuse this gift. Some look at it as a "get out of jail free card" and for them, I feel pity. They've lost the entire meaning of reconciliation and they will suffer those consequences when they face our Lord one day. Asking for forgiveness must be done with complete reverence and remorse. If your heart is only in it to make YOU feel better at the end of the day, but decide that you should not be held accountable further or that you can continue to do it over-and-over again without fail, well, you'll be quite surprised on Judgment Day. God knows our hearts better than we know them ourselves and if we come before Him in a dishonest manner, then He WILL know that. You've gotten away with nothing.
I do not allow those who abuse our faith to affect how I view the faith. People are filled with flaws and if I allow "Man" to determine my faith level and the strength of it, then I will also be disappointed and left feeling shorted at the end of the day. That is why I although I abhor any misconduct that leaders in the Church or lay people of the church commit, but it does not affect my commitment to our Catholic faith. When people sin, it is not because God or any particular Catholic teaching told them to do it...they sinned because they gave into a dark temptation that they chose no longer to resist. I try to remember to pray for those people as well as the people they harm, but I keep it separate from my own faith. My faith must always and ultimately be tied to God and His teachings, not the mistakes of Man.
Last year, a close friend of mine and my husband's committed an offense that is beyond belief and beyond anything that is comprehensible. He harmed a child. Although he was not a Church leader, he was someone that was very involved in many Church programs and someone that others looked up to. Not everyone knows of his offense, but I can tell you that my heart broke upon hearing it. I would love to have said that it was a mistake, misunderstanding or false accusation. Unfortunately, it is all too true and I had to come to grips with that. It was a difficult time for us and as hard as we took it, we could only imagine the pain inflicted upon the family. You see, his offense was committed against his own granddaughter. The pain that they have all experienced and the lives ruined as a result are beyond imagination.
This was a true test to our faith...to my faith. Not in my belief in God for I do not blame God for the actions of men. We have free will and sadly, many people make the wrong choices as a result. I know in my heart that God is torn when something of this nature occurs to one of us. Like any father, He wants to protect us from evil but to keep all evil from us, He would have to take away our free will. I don't blame Him for this anymore than I blame Him for some of the things I had to deal with in my own life. Some of them quite painful indeed.
No, the test came with what God calls us to do. It was a test of my ability to follow God's Will and not my own. It was a test of whether or not I could truly find a way to forgive this person for what he had done to a child. Wow. That was beyond difficult and not something I was able to do immediately. In fact, I had doubts about whether or not I could do it at all. I was so filled with hurt and anger. I was in pain for the child and all the lives that have been shattered by what one person did. It was the first time in my adult life that I came face-to-face with what I consider one of the most disgusting things a person can do...harm a child. A monster from within that had disguised himself as a true Christian. Someone who had helped me, among others, to grow in their faith.
I felt so lost and so confused as to how I couldn't see what he was on the inside. Why couldn't I see it? Some of our friends had always felt he was a bit "creepy" so-to-speak and I had always defended him. I had always tried to be the peace maker. I had always been supportive and told myself they just didn't get him. Ugh. Looks like it was ME that didn't get him. I felt so stupid and naive. It was something that I struggled with for a long time.
With all of that going on, I didn't know I could forgive him. I wasn't sure I had it in me. After some time, the immediate hurt, pain and anger dissolved and I took solace in prayer and support of other friends. We, of course, told our friends who also knew him right away. Especially since they had children of their own. They agreed that was the right decision. We all grieved in our own way and helped each other through the shock of it all. It's been a long road.
God, as we know, is amazing. He does so much in our lives, often without our even knowing it. He asks that we are faithful and stay the course, even when it seems most difficult. So, I trusted in Him and continued to have faith in Him. I prayed for all ... even for that man. I refused to give into hatred, although it was tempting. Honestly, in the beginning, I wanted to use his face as a punching bag. That's just me being truthful. Luckily, my faith protected not only him, but me from doing such a thing. It wouldn't have helped anything and would have taken away from my relationship with God.
One day, out of the blue, his wife sent me an email. She missed us...missed our friendship. Wow...that was a shock! She has chosen to support her husband and live in denial. Now, supporting your husband and standing by someone who is obviously ill is admirable. The problem I and others have is that she is doing so at the expense of her own granddaughter and family. She's not saying, "Hey, he is sick and I am standing by him so he can get help, but I love you guys and would never expect you to be able to be around him for obvious reasons." No, she's decided that they need to be more understanding of HIM. WHAT??? It's a long story, but suffice it to say that she's living in a bubble, which I assume is a defense mechanism for having to live through this type of horror.
Anyway, I wrote back to her, carefully. I prayed and asked God and the Holy Spirit to guide me. I needed them more than ever before right now. I told her that I did miss her, too. I love her and hate all she has gone through...what her family has had to endure. I also told her that I could forgive him and did...wow...I really did. BUT, that along with God's mercy also comes justice and that he must face justice for what he did, as well. Forgiveness doesn't come blindly and there's no "get out of jail free card" simply because you say, "I'm sorry." There was a back-and-forth exchange and he even emailed me directly. In his email, he basically admitted to what he had done and asked for my forgiveness. Wow again. And, I was able to grant it to him, as well, directly. I told him the same thing...with mercy also comes justice. And that I hoped he would not put this poor girl through anymore trauma but allow her to start to heal from this, which will take so much time.
That was the end of it. Without giving too many specifics, we ended the email exchange with his understanding what he had to do. At least, in email form. He's been going back-and-forth with the DA because he doesn't want to do jail time. It's only prolonged the agony for all involved and I am sorely disappointed, although, not surprised by his actions.
The amazing part of all this, however, was that I could forgive him. Until that moment, until I wrote those words, I didn't know if I really had. That is how unbelievably good God is at what HE does! He had been working on my soul this entire time even though I didn't actively know it. He allowed me to be freed from this terrible thing by helping me to extend the Grace of forgiveness. You see, forgiveness goes both ways...it's a way to extend healing and hope to someone else while also releasing you from carrying it with you. The entire time I had remained faithful to Him, attended Mass, kept my faith, prayed and prayed...all that time I was doing the work for others, He was doing the work for me and my soul. Isn't that truly wonderful?
I ask you, now...without my faith...without God in my life...without my Catholic experience...could I have been able to extend such a Grace to a man that is filled with a monstrous disease that will never leave him? I don't think so.
All-in-all, 2009 was a year of many ups and lots of downs. It was a year of growth and finding out that my faith is stronger than I could have ever imagined. I'm not saying that being a non-Catholic Christian wouldn't allow to go through all this with God's Grace. What I am saying is that for me, having been a Catholic is exactly why I WAS able to receive God's Grace in such a full and complete way. Only since I have been Catholic have I personally found peace in the midst of struggles whether they be external or internal. It's a combination of all that Catholicism teaches us, accountability it provides and the joy of weekly Mass and receiving the True Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. All of these things are Catholic and all of them helped me to become the person I am today. A person who doesn't hold onto hate or anger. A person that believes in the promise of God and that we are all in need of His Grace and Mercy.
Before I was Catholic, I never felt like I really "got it." Since becoming Catholic, it's not so much that I "get it" completely, but rather, it's that I now know it's ok to "not get it" all the time as long as I continue to remain faithful and stay true to Him in dark and light times, regardless. Sadly, before I was Catholic, I never really understood that part. I always grabbed onto the wrong parts of Christianity because what I was taught was incomplete. Catholicism has been able to provide me with the ENTIRE and COMPLETE picture of faith and what God really wants from us on a daily basis. Having God so centered in my life has been the constant that I was missing for so many years. And now, I cannot imagine being without it...without my faith, I would be lost. Without my faith...I would have no hope. The phrase "give it up to God" has so much more meaning to me now than ever before and it truly, truly works. Just as long as we sincerely do just that and allow Him to work in our lives. If we would get out of our own way, imagine what could be accomplished!
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